We’re back for yet another week of our two most deeply disturbed editors evaluating the smashability of eachPokemon. Editor-in-Chief Stacey Henley and Tabletop Editor Joe Parlock have taken on all kinds of Pokemon so far, and next up is Kalos. Both are aiming for at least 25 percent smashes in each region, as well as competing to be the very best Pokemon smasher, like no one ever was. Because no one else ever wanted to be.
Kalos is the smallest region yet, with just 72 Pokemon for our duo to wrap their smash muscles around. Joe has an eight smash lead, but that has been repeatedly cut down in the past two weeks, having sat at 18 after Hoenn. Is there enough room for Stacey to catch up in Kalos, and will the lack of Pokemon on offer make it harder to clear that 25 percent threshold? Let’s find out.
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650 Chespin
Stacey: I like his hat but I don’t smash the first stage starters.
Joe: This gen is going to be very smash-heavy for me, I can feel it. But not right now, as Chespin looks like he’s just off to summer camp.
651 Quilladin
Joe: This looks too goofy to smash, but he is very endearing.
Stacey: Unlike many mid-stage starters, there’s not too much awkward teenager here. Is butt ugly though, so pass.
652 Chesnaught
Stacey: I see how this one is appealing, but I don’t like this line or the overdesigned chestnut theme. Pass.
Joe: Incredibly easy smash, this man is a protector. He’ll treat you right. Grizzled, handsome, one hell of a beard, smash smash smash.
653 Fennekin
Joe: It’s a tiny fox with gross ear-tufts. I’ve never really got the appeal of this line, so pass.
Stacey: I do get the appeal of this line, but it’s not there yet.
654 Braixen
Stacey: Kalos really nailed what a mid-stage starter should be, and offers up the first smash of the region for me.
Joe: I just can’t get past the incredibly gross ear protrusions. Pass.
655 Delphox
Joe: If there was any in this line I’d go for, it’d be Delphox. The witchy vibes are impeccable, but the ear hair has just gone out of control. Pass.
Joe: Worst gen 6 starter? Worst gen 6 starter. Pass.
657 Frogadier
Joe: Now Frogadier can get it. He’s suave as hell, smash.
Stacey: Gen 6 is three for three on avoiding the classic mid-stage starter pitfall, and we get another smash.
658 Greninja
Stacey: I don’t love Greninja as much as some others do, but it’s still a relatively straightforward smash.
Joe: He’s a little over-designed compared to Frogadier, but that tongue is something you don’t pass on. Plus he’s basically a celebrity at this point, so smash.
659 Bunnelby
Joe: One of the better early-game Normal-types, but not one I want to smash.
Stacey: ‘One of the better’ translates to ‘prime Joe bait coming right up’. Pass on the baby bunny.
660 Diggersby
Stacey: Rabbits aren’t boys, ew. Pass.
Joe: I wonder how many gens it’s going to take before we start questioning if we’ve learned too much about each other, because you’re right: Diggersby is absolutely prime Joe bait and a very easy smash. They might be ears, but those ear-arm-things are the sign of a top-tier cuddler.
661 Fletchling
Joe: This entire line slaps, but it’s a pass for the tiny bird.
Stacey: This is my favourite early-game bird, but no smash for the baby.
662 Fletchinder
Stacey: Nor for the mid-stage. It’s cool but my aversion to birds is long-standing.
Joe: If you won’t, I will. This bird’s got attitude, it’s a smash.
663 Talonflame
Joe: We’re only a handful of Pokemon in and I’m feeling exhausted smashing them all. Talonflame is majestic, so I’ll muster up the energy and keep on smashing.
Stacey: I have to believe my time will come, but Talonflame is just too scary to smash.
664 Scatterbug
Stacey: It’s a little worm and not even one of the better ones. Pass.
Joe: Is this for the first L for Kalos? I like the little ruffles around the neck, but it looks too doofy and child-like to smash.
665 Spewpa
Joe: Weirdly, it’s the name that puts me off Spewpa. I don’t want to smash anything whose name sounds like vomit, regardless of how warm and comfy it looks. Pass.
Stacey: I dislike its round little head, too. Get some ears or antennae or something. Pass.
666 Vivillon
Stacey: Back in business. A beautiful creature and an easy smash.
Joe: Of course you’d smash the butterfly. I get it, but this one verges too far into actual-insect-like territory for me, pass.
667 Litleo
Joe: There isn’t a single thought behind those eyes, pass.
Stacey: Just a little too small and adorable here, also pass.
668 Pyroar
Stacey: It’s more than worth the wait for this sleek, strong smashable beast however.
Joe: I think there are better cat Pokemon out there, but Pyroar is yet another simple smash for Kalos.
669 Flabébé
Joe: I’m 50/50 on what Stacey will think about this line. Are the pretty plant-ladiestooplant-like for once? It’s a pass for me, obviously.
Stacey: They are not. Let’s get to smashing, I feel a hot streak coming on.
670 Floette
Stacey: This one is my least favourite of the three, it’s like a little bug holding a flower rather than an actual plant lady. But still, smash.
Joe: Still a pass, but also do you remember X/Y had that absolutely bizarre storyline about the dead Floette who came back to life to find its immortal, three-metres tall trainer friend? Gen 6 was a weird one.
671 Florges
Joe: Of course I understand it, but it’s still a pass. My man is coming, though.
Stacey: A queen. She’s not my all-time favourite plant lady, but this is everything I look for in a Pokemon design. The best smash of Kalos.
672 Skiddo
Stacey: This one’s just a little kid, geddit? Anyway, pass.
Joe: How long were you waiting to make that joke? I’m going to argue this looks less like a kid and more like an eager young man, full of vim and vigor to enjoy the delights of the world. One of those delights is getting smashed.
673 Gogoat
Joe: Over time, that naive young man grows into a mature, grizzled, but still-kind gentleman who can still be utterly demolished. Smash.
Stacey: My problem here is that it still looks too much like a goat. Smash for the flickers of personality shining through, but this would be a much better option with some minor design tweaks.
674 Pancham
Stacey: It’s a little scamp but it’s not a smash.
Joe: Pass on Pancham, but I am vibrating with excitement for his dad.
675 Pangoro
Joe: Here he is! The single-hottest Pokemon of all! Sorry Slaking, sorry Machoke, sorry the other ones I also described as hot, Pangoro is the one. He is absolutely perfect: the style, the tsundere attitude, the fact he could just as easily wipe me off the face of the earth as keep me nice and safe. Pangoro is my man. God. Smash. Sorry, I need a sec.
Stacey: Number one of all-time?! I mean I guess I see some appeal, but… wow. Pass from me, anyway.
676 Furfrou
Stacey: Here we go. No more bear nonsense, this is a sweet, sophisticated smash.
Joe: It’s probably a good thing I’m entering a dry spell after Pangoro. This is just a dog, and not even a particularly hot one. Pass.
677 Espurr
Joe: God no, Espurr has seen things. Pass.
Stacey: Espurr reminds me of Allison Harvard’s deep eyes, and there’s definitely a sense of ‘you’d have to once’ to this smash.
678 Meowstic
Stacey: Another highly sophisticated and refined smash here. We’re very polite about it but damn are we smashin’.
Joe: Kalos feels tailor-made with us in mind. I think, before we go into weird-swords-and-shields territory, I’m going to smash Meowstic. He’s a bit twinkier than I’d normally go for, but he’s got pizazz, and that goes a long way.
679 Honedge
Joe: It’s still more smashable than Unova’s bloody gears, but pass.
Stacey: Oh my god there’s three of these to get through. Obviously pass the sword.
Joe: Doublade? More like… ain’t-laid. Yeah. Pass.
681 Aegislash
Joe: I almost get this one. Almost. I’ll judge you for it, but I get it. Pass.
Stacey: I do not and I’m glad it’s all over. Pass.
682 Spritzee
Stacey: Back to normal Pokemon, even if it’s actually Fairy. A little too tiny but very pretty. Probably just about a smash but a better one is right around the corner.
Joe: Really? This whole line stinks in my opinion, which, for the ‘Perfume Pokemon’, is even more of an insult. Pass.
683 Aromatisse
Joe: I hate it, pass.
Stacey: Snooty, curvy, delicate, powerful, beautiful. These are just some of the words I’d use to describe myself. Unrelated, I’ll smash on Aromatisse.
684 Swirlix
Stacey: Very cute but it’s like if candy floss was a puppy. Pass.
Joe: I was going to pass until I saw art showing that it does have feet and not just a weird tail. Now I know it’s an actual, feasible creature… it’s a guilty smash.
685 Slurpuff
Joe: Why did it turn into a Steven Universe character? Pass.
Stacey: Sign me up for some WAM foodplay with the cake. Smash.
686 Inkay
Stacey: It has some charm, but ultimately it’s too much of a baby again.
Joe: Yeah, I want Inkay to do well more than I want to smash it. Pass.
687 Malamar
Joe: Big, scary squid? Oh the possibilities, easy smash.
Stacey: I’m surprised a giant vagina is your thing, but it’s a smash here too.
688 Binacle
Stacey: I hate this line. It might be in the bottom five ever. I hate it so much it makes me hate all of Kalos for allowing it to exist. Pass, obviously.
Joe: Our mutual love for Gligar is as strong as our mutual hate for Binacle. This thing shouldn’t be allowed to be alive. Pass.
689 Barbaracle
Joe: If Barbacle didn’t have the two extra arms, it’d be a resentful smash. Those arms, the extra eyes, and the weird hand-head thing scream ‘Game Freak didn’t know how to put the pen down’. Pass.
Stacey: It has a hand for a head. How did it somehow get worse? Pass again.
690 Skrelp
Stacey: I guess it’s charming after Binacle but it’s still an ugly monstrosity really. Pass.
Joe: It’s not a smash, but I do love Skrelp. It has the most fun name to say out of all Pokemon.Skrelp.
691 Dragalge
Joe: Big smash for Dragalge. It feels like it does everything I liked about Delphox without the off-putting ear tufts. It’s witchy, it’s ethereal, it’s slightly threatening. Smash.
692 Clauncher
Stacey: This one looks alive, but very bored. Also pass.
Joe: He’s got a simplicity to his design that is very appealing. He’s just a lobster/crayfish/whatever though, so pass.
693 Clawitzer
Joe: I think I have to smash, he’s got the ‘tude and simplicity of Clauncher, but with a big ol’ claw-gun that adds a bit of zest.
Stacey: I just… don’t trust it. Pass, but I do see where you’re coming from.
694 Helioptile
Stacey: Another classic ‘cute but not smashable’. Let’s just be friends.
Joe: I had a pet leopard gecko and those little bastards are wriggly. Pass.
695 Heliolisk
Joe: I like the cut of Heliolisk’s gib, though. I’ll make him drop a tail, smash.
Stacey: Call me a heliophilebecause this one is definitely a smash.
696 Tyrunt
Stacey: It’s a lil runt. It’s right there in the name. Pass.
Joe: This ‘little runt’ has one hell of a jawline, though. Smash.
697 Tyrantrum
Joe: “Oh I wonder if Joe would smash the two-metre tall, terrifying dragon daddy with an incredible beard?” Gee, such a hard question. Smash. Obviously.
Stacey: Less enthusiastic than Joe, but I still think this one’s a clear smash. Something about all that power.
698 Amaura
Stacey: Hmm. I think this is over the line from ‘cute but not smashable’ into ‘cute and very smashable’. Satan, take me now but I’m smashing.
Joe: Nope, I’m looking and all I’m seeing a child, sorry. But you do you. Pass.
699 Aurorus
Joe: I have a feeling our relative enthusiasm levels from Tyrantrum will be swapped for Aurorus. It’s a clear smash because it’s a big, ethereal dinosaur, but not one I’m all that excited for.
Stacey: 100 percent correct, this gorgeous angel is what all the dino ‘mons should look like. Soft and beautiful, and still powerful enough to crush you. Easy smash, one of Kalos’ best.
700 Sylveon
Stacey: I didn’t think I had much of a ‘thing’ for Eeveelutions before this but I’ve smashed on most of them and I’m not going to stop for the prettiest one of them all. Definite smash.
Joe: I’d have to hand in my gay card if I didn’t smash Sylveon. I may like them burrs, but Sylveon is too iconic to pass on.
701 Hawlucha
Joe: Short king who knows how to wrestle? Smash me, suplex me, another-wrestling-move-because-I-can’t-be-arsed-to-Google me, Hawlucha.
Stacey: Breaking my bird rule and calling him Daddy. Smash.
702 Dedenne
Stacey: Pika-clone arrives late in this Gen and all of its points are in adorability over smashability. Pass.
Joe: One of the strongest Pikachu clones ever is yet another point for Kalos, but it isn’t another point for me. Pass.
Stacey: A rock. A pretty rock, but still. Pass.
704 Goomy
Stacey: No… not yet. Pass.
Joe: If this was just a singular Pokemon with no evolutions, it’d be a smash. But I know it gets better, so pass.
705 Sliggoo
Joe: The dark before the dawn, Sliggoo is the first awkward teenager of Kalos, but its time is still coming.
Stacey: I disagree, I think this is a solid warm up ahead of the Big Smash. It’s a smash, but with an eye on the future.
706 Goodra
Stacey: I wanna be glooped up in goo for Goodra. Smash and everyone who says otherwise is lying.
Joe: A very easy, very clear-cut smash. What if Muk, with all his comforting gooeyness, was also a big, hot dragon lady? Smash. Easy.
707 Klefki
Joe: Unova called, it wants its shitty Steel-types back. Pass.
Stacey: I mean it’s literally just a set of keys. How would you live your life if this was smash bait for you?
708 Phantump
Stacey: I love the design here but we’re back to it being too small and cute. Pass.
Joe: Kalos is full of ‘not quite babies, but not quite smashes’, and Phantump is one of them. Pass.
709 Trevenant
Joe: Absolute yes, without hesitation. Big, scary-looking, but also slightly goofy. I can fix him with some love, tenderness, and a whole lot of smashing.
Stacey: This gets way too bulky and scary after Phantump. The evo should have been a smash slam dunk, instead it’s an ugly tree. Pass.
710 Pumpkaboo
Stacey: Its cousin line makes up for it, I suppose. A cosy little smash here.
Joe: This is Stacey-bait with a goth twist. Pass for me, but I’m happy for you.
711 Gourgeist
Joe: It just looks silly, sorry. Pass.
Stacey: Turning down some prime smash bait in the run-in, Parlock. Another simple and underrated smash here.
712 Bergmite
Stacey: No. Weird little ice insect. Pass.
Joe: Look, I know this is a little gross bug thing. But I like the dark eyes, and the mouth is very cute. It’s a smash.
713 Avalugg
Joe: Of course this is a smash. Hit me like the Titanic, baby. Smash.
Stacey: Nope, same as before but bigger and uglier. Pass.
714 Noibat
Stacey: I like this one though. It’s cute. Let’s smash.
Joe: Slightly too small for me, although the Bat-fondness is definitely there. Pass.
715 Noivern
Joe: Another easy smash, Noivern is absolutely gorgeous. The neck ruffles, the colours, it’s utter chef’s kiss. Smash.
Stacey: It has the Phantump problem of going too far away from the original design to become big and bulky. Pass.
716 Xerneas
Stacey: This one is a little too much, but still spectacular and still a very easy smash. I could just stand to tone it down a little in front of my parents.
Joe: Wait, have you been smashing all these Pokemon in front of your parents? Xerneas is majestic, but I feel like it’d break easily. Pass.
717 Yveltal
Joe: Yveltal can take some rough-and-tumble, though. Big, deadly bird thing is a very nice smash, even if there’s a chance I’d die in the process.
Stacey: This is basically a reversal of fortunes, because I’m passing on the grounds of being too easy to break.
718 Zygarde
Stacey: Owing to the fact it can take new shapes, this one is a smash. First order of business, take the shape of Tsareena.
Joe: We’ve mostly been ignoring formes for our smash-tour, but I think Zygarde’s formes are too intrinsic to it to ignore. Cell and core formes are a pass, they’re just blobs. 10% forme is a cool-looking dog, but it’s just a dog. 50% is a smash, as it could wrap me up and choke me. 100% is a very, very obvious smash on account of it being a very large robot-man-thing. So, on balance, it’s a smash for Zygarde.
719 Diancie
Joe: I thought Carbink and Diancie were the same Pokemon until just now. Pass.
Stacey: The clear difference is Carbink is a stubby little pass and Diancie is a very slender smash.
720 Hoopa
Stacey: Obviously a smash for this chaotic homosexual.
Joe: Hoopa Unbound is peak daddy, and he already knows what to do with rings, so…
721 Volcanion
Joe: The ring on his back is a bit much, but Volcanion is a very stark improvement over the Sinnoh one whose name I’ve already forgotten. The jawline makes me compelled to smash.
Stacey: Pass on Kalos’ last, but I can live with that
Final Score
Stacey: 31/72 = 43 percent (overall total 219/721 = 30.4 percent)
Joe: 29/72 = 40.3 percent (overall total 225/721 = 31.2 percent)
Kalos is the most smashable region yet, with both editors clearing 40 percent without a hint of remorse. This marks Stacey’s fourth win out of six, with Joe even failing to make the 25 percent threshold in Sinnoh, but she remains behind thanks to Joe’s complete dominance in both Johto and Hoenn. Next week is the arrival of Gen 7, which has Stacey’s favourite Pokemon smash of all-time. Will that be enough to see her reclaim the first place position she hasn’t held since Kanto? Check back in a week, if you care.
NEXT:Pokemon Smash Or Pass: Sinnoh Edition
